jaded..

Right after sahur i feel like i need to express my feelings this past few days.im so messed up...im jaded..my head feels like as if i've had a 1 ton of bricks smacked on them.maybe becoz im not sleeping well...not sleeping enough to be exact.
There are a few concerns actually regarding imran.This ramadhan,our house happens to have a temporary maid which ayah took from diva.so i also took the chance to do some of my own things after handling imran on my own for 2 months plus.And for me it's also a good practise for imran to communicate with strangers so that it will be much easier when we have a maid sooner or later.But it turns out to be more challenging than i thought.Sleeping was always a problem
from the start.it took me and hubby some trial and errors to actually observe what type/kind of sleeping that suits him best...that wouldn't shock him...that wouldn't wake him up like only 5-10 mins of sleeping only.
So these past few days i seem to notice a few of his so-called 'attitude'.

sleeping : day time i try to stick him with ebm especially when he is with the temp maid.with me right after his day time bath...i will give him ebm and he will easily get dozed off and will eventually sleepy for at least an hour.but with the maid around he doesn't want to sleep at all.his sleeping time during the day the most is only 10mins.since he has other 'attitudes' i end up taking him from the maid to try to direct feed him just to make him sleep but.....

feeding : i feed him to make him go to sleep...but it seems that he will direct feed for hours non-stop and will only chicken sleep(wtf...tido tido ayam la) it is as if he doesn't want to be apart from me so the only thing that can make me stick to him is feeding non-stop.hmm...at least thats what i think he's doing.

feeding 2 : another feeding problem is he only likes to feed on my right breast...and after such long hours my breast will feel numb and sore.everytime i offer my left side he will scream madly as if he's been abused.with his voice...oh god i couldn't bare to hang on but at last offer him my right breast again.but i never stop trying on offering my left one.maybe he's not comfortable or not into the position so much or what...but it haven't been obvious before.or maybe it's just like us who are some right handed and left handed on doing writings...the hand we like the most.hmm...is it like that ?

cranky/moody/demanding : this is the worst part of all i think.he has this attitude of liking to be cradle hold all the time...but standing only.sitting down will only make him cry and he will strech out his hands and legs...gosh which is soo anoying.it's like we can't do anything besides holding him all the time.he can't even lay down for like more than 5minutes...and he will cry cry cry.how am i suppose to do anything when most of the time i have to hold him except when he is sleeping.and if i do have a maid...is she hired only to hold my baby?oh gosh i coulnt bare thinking of it.my son is too demanding...and i don't really know what to do.im so jaded...im so stressed out with all his attitudes.my parents are urging me to get a swing for my son...so that he could sleep better. and that is the thing i've been trying to avoid since the beggining.i don't want him to get addicted to swings...i don't want him to depend his sleep on something not natural.i don't want him of not sleeping just because there is no swing.for me...just like pacifiers..swing are also addictive and hard to get off it.well i don't know..just my 2 cents.too many opinions from others makes me feel like im a bad mummy to him...that i couln't make my decision and solve the problems myself.i feel like a total loser....helpless...hopeless.im jaded...my head are heavy as hell.im turning moody nowadays with all these happenings...im just not sure is this permanent or only temporary.well i guess we will wait and see....